Forging a New Path

Forging a new path~destination not yet known

What possible role could a 37-year old mayor from South Bend, Indiana, now running for president play in a middle-aged woman from Santa Fe, New Mexico, forging a new path for the latter part of her life journey? Hold on to the word possible and come along for the ride.

The Fast Lane

The fast lane does not always mean the destination is clear. Instead it meant I invested totally in what I was doing at any given time. I equate this time in my life beginning in my mid-twenties and lasting until my mid-forties. A late bloomer, I circled aimlessly until finally committing to returning to college, having dropped out and sworn I would never return. Mental note — avoid swearing unless you’re fully committed. In two years, I started and finished two majors with a high GPA and some type of Latin honor title towards earning my bachelors degree. I knew the Latin honor title by heart then, but it matters not now. Still not having a clear sense of purpose, I chose graduate school in Florida because we had a snowy winter that year in Rhode Island, and I needed a break. I chose a counseling graduate program because that’s what my father did and the graduate program in psychology involved researching a lot of animals. I preferred people. In two years, I earned two graduate degrees with a very high GPA. Dirty little secret — I did not read much of the textbooks.

The outstanding highlight was volunteering for a crisis center. In that commitment, I worked on the phones, in person with clients, and on emergency calls in the community. I was awarded several honors for being the person who seemed to always be around serving. I discovered I was actually a very good counselor, able to be present with people at their lowest moments. Once graduated, I worked a couple of years in rural community mental health and substance abuse where my clients were my best teachers.

During this time, I fell in love and got married — to a woman — not quite something I had ever intended and that led to some exciting family times. We’ve been married almost 19 years now and have experienced the full spectrum of each of the vows. More on that later.

My partner, Elaine, was in the same graduate counseling program from which I graduated earlier. During lunch one day, Elaine said one of my former professors asked when I was going to apply for the doctoral program. On a whim, I did, and five and have years later I earned my Ph.D. Please know my destination was still not clear, but I discovered in addition to being an accomplished counselor, I was also a very good teacher. Still dirty little secret — not being a great reader of textbooks, I was one of those favorite teachers who flew by the seat of her pants and excelled in the process of learning rather than the content of imparting information. My students and I learned together in the experience of the present moment.

I ended up working in Florida and New York as a counselor educator for ten years, loving every minute of it. While I was not a great academic, I published just enough — almost — but excelled in cultivating the community life of our department and tending to students through their graduate experiences. I assumed I would do this until I retired. You know what they say about assuming.

Throughout these twenty years, caregiving was a major role. My partner, Elaine, and I were principle caregivers for both my parents and her father, my aunt and uncle through the end of their lives. If that wasn’t enough, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis during my doctorate, something that was benign in the beginning — until it wasn’t. Suddenly, I went from caregiver to receiver of care. I lost my ability to walk, to write, to do much with my hands, and eventually to walk at all.

I chose to end my academic career just as I was due to go up for tenure. I remember telling my department chair I thought there was something different I needed to do, but I did not yet know what it was. Keep that in the back of your mind. Without knowing it at the time, I think that something different is connected with that mayor from South Bend. We left New York and moved to Santa Fe, New Mexico. Elaine and I started a private practice, thinking I could control better my pace and balance my energy. It turns out when I left academia in May 2014, that was the last time I had the energy to work full time. It took me another four years to figure that out, blaming myself for just not trying hard enough, not being a skilled entrepreneur, or any other excuse in the book. So much for the fast lane.

The Breakdown Lane

I titled 2018, Stuck in the Breakdown Lane, on an extended pause from life’s highway. Of course, time marched on and a pause is not like the one on your remote control. Perhaps you can resonate with knowing that thriving in life does not mean always progressing and developing in the ways you might wish. Progress and development may just come in ways you don’t wish but might need and from which you can, ultimately, benefit.

The reader’s digest version of the key events revolved around loss and letting go. In January I realized living with Multiple Sclerosis for many years taxed my energy and movement ability to the point where I accepted finally couldn’t continue trying to work full time. I retired fully from my role as a professional counselor and retained a very small private coaching client base. I rented out my office and applied for disability, which I was awarded. Mercifully, the US Department of Education forgives loans when you are declared totally and permanently disabled. About midyear, Elaine recognized my limited walking ability was declining and our home would not be feasible much longer. We sold our beloved home, bought a 1-story away from our heart-favorite community, and moved — all in one month. We were surrounded by amazing friends who helped us pack and unpack, settling us into our new house quickly. Within one month, I went from a walker to a wheelchair.

Those were the key outer events of loss; then began the journey of inner loss. Spending most of my days in front of the TV, I sank into the grief of losing my career, identity, financial stability, walking ability, and home within a community in which we loved to live and work. The breakdown lane lived up to its name. I put on weight, showered just often enough, and didn’t really care what I ate. I withdrew and isolated, feeling helpless, powerless, useless, directionless, and sorry for myself. My friends hung in there with me, accepting where I was and providing love. Elaine witnessed my stuckness and loved me anyway, something which cannot have been much fun for her.

Curiously, like a pregnancy, this lasted about nine months. I fashioned a womb in which I would create either an empty existence or create a new life. Either way, I was the creator. It was around my birthday that I decided I did not prefer the breakdown-lane life I created for myself, and it was time to bring into being something different. I learned both deep and real wisdom from that desolate time, and I remembered I had both the creative power and the responsibility to forge what I desired! As I turned 49 and began this my 50th year, I chose to rebirth myself. The energy began to shift, lighten; and I could see myself firing up my engine, looking in the mirror, and hitting the accelerator to pull back onto life’s highway.

I had to lose connection with my mission and purpose for a while, to descend into my own abyss, so I could accept both what my body was experiencing and needing. Also, I needed to create what I did not prefer so I could reconnect with both a life I desired and my ability and responsibility to create it. I had to dis-empower myself so that I could choose to em-powermyself in a deeper way.

In the closing days of 2018 and the first days of 2019, I reemerge into my new life. I envisioned and drafted my annual goals and plan, and have begun implementing them, however imperfectly. The highlights include committing to create my optimal health, letting go of attachment to what that must look like. Whether walking or rolling, I commit to understanding and nurturing my body. I commit to learning and cultivating a vibrant whole life, and I commit to contributing to our world. I will create a life coaching practice that balanced my energy and serves others in their journeys to thriving. My mission is to help each of us remember who we really are — unique expressions of divine light — and to express that light to empower one another and the world to heal and shine! The challenges of our world can and will be resolved when we each wake up to our strength and potential and when we support one another to rise and transform our lives and the world. I had a sense of myself contributing to something larger than myself. I had a yearning to reach outwards. Was something reaching towards me?

Meet Pete — The Invitation

I can’t remember when I encountered Pete Buttigieg first; I know it was during his exploratory process. It does not matter. It’s a done deal. My life is forever changed by a brilliant, audacious and humble mayor from South Bend, Indiana. Pete Buttigieg is my Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy, John F. Kennedy, Nelson Mandela, Desmond Tutu, and Maya Angelou. He teaches me to see the heart’s intent translated into policy and how centuries of racism play out in the grieving crowd pleading for justice and peace on the longest day of the year 2019 on the streets of South Bend. He reaches into my soul and my mind and invites me to join with him to design a campaign to earn the presidency and win an era. He connects with and fuels the eternal flame within my spirit, igniting my passion to join with others to finally dissolve the illusions of faulty assumptions and sand-built foundations that constructed a cracking nation over the essential brilliance of this grand democratic experiment.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. (Declaration of Independence, http://www.ushistory.org/declaration/document/)

We are at the moment in human history when it is necessary to assume these Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God that all persons — without exception— and that all creation and the earth itself are endowed with unalienable Rights, and now is the time I am compelled to join with all those in the global family wanting to create a nation, a world, and an earth that honors and lifts up these rights for all. I cannot be anywhere or do anything else.

As with all the wise souls I listed, Pete Buttigieg is human, perfectly imperfect. He will not have all the answers, nor do I expect him to fix everything and get it right each time. He does not belong nor deserve to be placed on a pedestal and worshipped. Instead, he is a humble leader standing, pointing towards a higher and more perfect union among us all. It is to that place, that possibility that lives within each of us, where I feel inspired to go. He invites us all to go there and create that world together. I accept the invitation, the challenge, the possibility.

Forging a New Path

Synchronicity plays a large role throughout my life. I have known rarely a destination and many times my path itself was not particularly clear or intentional. Yet, with grace unbeknownst to me, I developed wisdom and deep skills that now have an opportunity to be channeled for the greater good.

I have a gift to see to the essence of individuals and groups, through the complex tangled webs they and others have fashioned that blind and disconnect them from their highest potential. I hold the vision for people until they are ready to take hold of it themselves and create something important with it. I know at my core the way forward for our country and world is bound inextricably within the hearts and minds of every person alive now and yet to be born. Therein lies the yet-to-be discovered resolutions for climate change, conflicts, divisions, and innovations.

I believe I am meant to work with groups larger than my individual clients and students. I believe my role has something to do with helping communities heal divisions of hatred, bigotry, and oppression perpetuated since our nation’s founding. Pete is a policy wonk with a compassionate heart and gifted mind. Policies and smart initiatives and necessary and not sufficient. They need to be complimented by relational healing. Wounding happens in relationship, even if you don’t know the person. Even when wounding is legislated, its origin is relational. Healing must, therefore, occur in relationship. Thus I am calling back into service my training in Restorative Justice and new learning in large-group reconciliation work. A note of personal growth — the one who didn’t read the textbooks has a Kindle non-fiction library approaching 500, ranging from leadership, US history, to an excellent new book by a certain mayor from South Bend. My country has committed to supporting me financially with social security and loan forgiveness. I am forging this new path; where it leads, I cannot say just yet. However, I feel inspired to give back in service to our nation with all the energy I have.

Without ever meeting in person, Pete Buttigieg, this 37-year old brilliant and humble mayor reached his mind and heart across time and space to connect with this approaching 50-year old wheelchair rolling woman. He inspired her to pull together all the wisdom from her meandering journey and realize she had a valuable role to play in helping her nation heal deep wounds and create a thriving future. Each person matters; every moment is precious. Pete knows that and invites us all to help our nation and world win the era. For, you see, I’m no longer in the fast lane or the breakdown lane. I’m in the carpool lane, and the movement has a very high occupancy vehicle! Care to join us?

Follow up: I wrote this essay during the early days of the 2020 presidential campaign. Things worked out differently for Pete Buttigieg. They worked out differently for me. I've learned that as long as you have a pulse, you have the possibility for a new path. Stay tuned for my next post, which will identify the latest trail in my life journey.